It’s time for our 12th annual NBA League Pass Rankings — a tradition that started at a now-defunct website mostly because my old boss enjoyed making fun of the early 2010s Washington Wizards.
These are NOT power rankings! They are watchability ratings derived from a secret algorithm Bill Simmons found scrawled on beer-soaked parchment paper under his seat at the old Boston Garden.
Let’s face it: The past 40 years have been leading to this moment, the Wiz — so relentlessly middling their fans quiet quit on them — slinking, unseen and unheard, to the basement.
The John Wall-Bradley Beal Wizards achieved more than their reputation. They were never contenders, but nor were they some going-nowhere #SoWizards mediocrity until Wall began breaking down. They wallopped the Tom Thibodeau Chicago Bulls in the playoffs when Wall was 23 and Beal just 20. They may well have upended the 60-win Atlanta Hawks in the second round in 2015 if not for Wall’s mid-series wrist injury, then came within a game of the conference finals in 2017.
They were silly, sure — dousing each other with water after clinching a division title, dressing in all black for a “funeral” before a regular-season game against the Bostn Celtics. They tried to manifest a rivalry with LeBron James, insisting James’ Cavaliers feared them.
I’m not sure those Cavaliers could even name the other 14 teams in the East. But they understood Beal and Wall brought enough supernova talent and bravado to pull an upset on the right night. With better roster moves, the Wall-Beal Wiz could have been something.
They’re gone now. The lottery pick that could define the franchise’s next phase hasn’t arrived; that is the point of this season. (Reminder: The Wiz were one pingpong ball from Victor Wembanyama.)
The final six first-round picks of the Beal-Wall era have amounted to very little, though both Deni Avdija and Corey Kispert should grow into capable role players. Does Johnny Davis exist? We’ll find out!
It will be fun watching Jordan Poole and Kyle Kuzma battle for the team scoring lead, while Traditional Point Guard Tyus Jones tries to organize plays, Kispert runs around screens without ever getting the ball, and Avdija waits and waits to attack a closeout. Do you think Danilo Gallinari wakes up and wonders where he is? Hell, I could use a random Davis Bertans heat check.
The in-game experience is forgettable. Only the Wizards could strike paydirt with the best jersey in team history — last year’s cherry-blossom-themed look — and not find a way to keep it in rotation.
Daniel Gafford is an ultra-violent dunker. Delon Wright is all long arms, sneak steals and marauding offensive rebounds. I am here for Taj Gibson cashing golden parachutes as a veteran mentor.
